Moved In

Well, I finally moved into my apartment. It's pretty exciting having the whole deal to myself, with the kitchen and everything. One of the first things I did after getting my stuff moved in was to go to get some groceries. I was at the office and saw my friend Eben, and said, "Hey, you wouldn't happen to want to go to the station, would you?" He agreed pretty quickly and we headed for the station (the supermarket is right by the train station). He had his motorcycle, so I got on the back of that and we rode to the station. I think it was probably the most dangerous thing I've ever done. Riding in that traffic in a car is bad enough, but on a motorcycle with the only thing between my melon and an oncoming bus being my friend in front of me is quite an experience. That's how the great majority of people around here get around, though, so who am I to judge. It was actually pretty fun.

An a very different note, my mom directed my attention to this contest. I think I'll give it a try. I'll probably end up going through a few ideas in search for the perfect essay to submit, but I already have my first iteration. I will post it here and let you all tear it apart.

I deserve to receive your scholarship because I am a vegetarian. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, “Ah, a vegetarian – finally, someone actually worthy to receive our scholarship. ” Of course, it is only natural that you would entertain such thoughts, but I am afraid you may not be acquainted with all of the many reasons that a vegetarian should receive your scholarship. Therefore, I will proceed by explaining the many benefits you will experience from choosing a vegetarian (me) to receive your scholarship.

Vegetarians are not cannibals. Because it is common knowledge, I fear that this fact is often overlooked. You can rest assured that if you bestow this scholarship money upon me, I will not simply use it to get into the more educated circles so that I can feast on tastier brains (I hear from some of my non-vegetarian friends that smarter brains are tastier).

Now that you are not afraid I might eat you, I would like to turn your attention to the fact that, since I am a vegetarian, my brain is actually tastier (better developed). It has long been established that eating vegetables makes one's brain work better (at least that is what parents have been telling their children for the last few centuries). Therefore, since I do not eat animals, I eat almost solely vegetables (with some fruits, legumes, and grains thrown in from time to time). It stands to reason, then, that my brain would be better developed than the average non-vegetarian. This hypothesis has been partially confirmed by my academic record, but that is bordering on being outside of this essay's scope.

Another reason that I, as a vegetarian, should receive your scholarship stems from the motive behind my vegetarianism. I am not a vegetarian to save animals from a brutal death. Neither am I a vegetarian because I dislike certain animals – such as beef-cattle – and want to see less of them in the world. I am a vegetarian because I have always been a vegetarian. I believe I can count the number of times I have eaten meat on one hand. “So what that I have rarely eaten meat? Why does that matter?” I'll tell you why that matters; I am consistent. Once I start something, I tend to stick with it. “Oh big deal – how hard is it to stick with what you've grown up with? That may be consistency, but it's the easiest kind.” To the people who would propose that I say: Do you know how many times I've turned down a seemingly delicious dish whose only flaw was that it contained meat? Do you know how many times I was ridiculed in High School by the other kids, always inquiring how my “lettuce sandwich” tasted? Do you know how much more difficult it is to order a cheesy beef and potato burrito “with beans instead of meat” than to just go with the default option? Do you know how annoying it is to return to the counter because they got your order wrong AGAIN (actually, I think that one is universal)? I hope that I have made it clear that it takes consistency to be a vegetarian. I will be consistent.

There is another secondary, yet still important, reason that I am a vegetarian – I believe that it helps keep me healthy. My commitment to health is yet another reason that I am worthy to receive your scholarship. While the other candidates acquire heart disease, have strokes, mentally decay, and break their hips while crossing the street and get hit by trucks, I will be in good physical condition. I am a worthwhile investment. I will do my very best to outlive my peers in an attempt to get you the best return from your money – the longer I live, the longer your money will be at work.

I believe that I have made it quite clear that I, as a vegetarian, am clearly worthy and deserving of any scholarship money that you impart upon me. I have shown that, due to my vegetarianism, I will provide the best return on your investment possible by outliving the other candidates, being more consistent in my use of the money than the other candidates, and having a more highly developed brain than the other candidates. Also, on top of that, I can assure you that I will eat neither you, nor your friends, nor your family members, which I cannot say about the other candidates.

They say that the essays should match the "mental_floss style of writing." Unfortunately, I don't really know what that is at this point (I plan on doing a little research), but I'm afraid this one might be a bit too over the top. Nevertheless, I would welcome any grammatical/spelling/organization corrections or suggestions.